Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It was confusing and full of hummus
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
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