How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
