when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
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