Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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