Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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