Got a toothbrush?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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