I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
