I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
