I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm determined to sit on that face.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
