A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
