At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
