people are starting to question the shark bite story
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
