i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize