guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Can you bring me the toilet please
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
