toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
