i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
