The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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