great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
