How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
