Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
