i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just googled if crying burns calories
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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