I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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