I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
