There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
