Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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