did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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