she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
