Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
