You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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