I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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