alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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