I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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