i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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