theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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