you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
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It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
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The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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