I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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