I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I fill condoms, not promises.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
