when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
