in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
