Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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