I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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