I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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