I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
