My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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