i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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