I'm gonna have a badass scar
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
