Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
