A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
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I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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