I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
