I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
