I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
