I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
