I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
