I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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