why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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