I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
