is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
